I’ve learned to gain wellness through love and appreciation thanks to significant experiences and people.
Events leading up to how I’ve learned to love and appreciate:-
Compassion meets Rachel
I’m kneeling in the corner of my room, my heart is beating unusually fast and I’m in the state of despair. While holding back tears, my entire body is shaking and I’m looking for an outlet and it’s late at night. Not knowing the time difference, I take the risk to text Sabrina hoping that she would reply within seconds. At the time, she was on a student exchange program in Spain. I asked if she was free to call and thankfully it was a Friday morning on her side. As soon as she gave me approval, I called her and my voice was quivering throughout the time. I said “Sabrina I need help..“, she asked “what’s wrong, are you alright?”. I told her about the tight situation I was in that night and she gave advice on specific steps to take to prevent myself from getting hurt. However, it was too late for anything, but who would have known that the night was going to be a long sad ending. “Sabrina, I’m so scared“ I said, she could sense fear through the phone. “Don’t worry okay, let me pray for you” she said. I had to deal with a lost, I had to learn to stand alone and no longer be dependent. “Could I call you later? Are you free?” I desperately ask and without hesitating she said “Yes, yes I’m free today call me anytime okay don’t worry“. Approximately 4 hours after my first call with Sabrina, I called her again. I had an ugly cry on, I spent the first 5 minutes of the call crying and I could feel Sabrina’s pity for me through the phone although the geographical distance between us were miles apart. She was pretty confused about the situation, she never had a clear understanding to why things had to result into a certain way but overtime she started to understand it better. During the second call, I took time to unknot the problem and she saw the situation as a whole. I was afraid to be judged, I questioned if she would she be induced with a sense of disbelief. “Umm Sabrina, I’m going to tell you something and…“, it was personal. In nature, Sabrina is very giving, she looks within the soul of yours and chooses to view the good deeds of an individual. She is rooted in her relationship with God and his people, therefore she has been molded into a devoted God fearing girl (a pure soul). On that day I met compassion through her, despite how broken I was, she was willing to carry me through the dark. She poured love into me when I needed it, she laid down empathy for me from that day on wards.
Here I learn that even in the lowest of times, God will provide. He provided Sabrina, a giving heart and an open mind. We soon built a close friendship and I’m waiting till she returns to Vancouver so that we can reunite.
Love in the form of arms
Sine has her arms wrapped around me and tears are running down my face, her chin rests on my head while her left hand pats on my shoulder softly. I hear her whisper “it’s okay” and my vision is blurred out by tears. We’re in the dining area of her place, we decided to meet there so we could talk privately instead of having the meltdown happen in public. Her boyfriend and housemate were home but they were in their respective rooms. I remember telling Sine, “I’m so sad, it hurts so much“. She didn’t say much yet because I was having a really bad break down. She knew letting it out would be better to do first before initiating a conversation. Soon when I was more ready to be engaged in a conversation, Sine patiently listen to what I had to say, she also shared her pains with me and I was amazed by how she could relate to the amount of pain I was experiencing. We went through similar situations, as she shared, it made her tear up a little because it was painful to talk about her pains. (but her will to share is strong). She holds my hand and looks at me, “you’ll be happy too” she said. It’s about moving forward from here and learning from mistakes. From my outlook on her, I see a girl with lots of experience in life challenges, she handled a lot on her own and I look up to her for how strong she is till this day. When Sine held me in her arms, I could feel this sisterly vibe she projected and it was really comforting.
Actions really do speak louder than words, Sine’s method of showering love never needed words because her gestures were more than enough for me to feel it. I never needed confirmation that she was a good person, I could tell from the start that she had a heart of love and strength. Sine’s back in Thailand and I’m also waiting for her to be back in Vancouver so we can reunite. She was so willing to care for me and I wanted to learn to do the same for others.
The late night conversations
It’s a warm night in my room, my eyes are locked on books and class slides and I feel this warmth from under my table, it’s cozy. My toes are no longer purple after placing them near the heater, I was in a perfect room temperature on a cold night but my heart felt otherwise. I feel cold on the inside, I’m overwhelmed by fearful thoughts as I occupy my brain with necessary content from all the course materials.
I’m so afraid of the night, I go to bed with fear because I have so many disturbing thoughts roaming in my head. It was time I put my books away and have a goodnight rest, as I put them away I already feel fear lurking into my surroundings. I fear sadness. I recently underwent a couple of emotional events, every night the memories of them would be present in my room and I’d only feel twisted on the inside. From there I’d welcome more mixed emotions.
A few nights before this, I was talking to a nice little soul who enlightens my mood every time! I met Bryan from my Macroeconomics lecture earlier this spring term, along with some of his other friends. I remember when I first met him, he had his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants while talking to me. He has an affiliative smile, he also smiles with his eyes. If you’re wondering how I know, it’s because he sends me streaks of his eye at the corner of the phone screen while smiling. Whenever I see that eye, I know he’s checking up on me. Friends like Bryan should be deeply appreciated, I will always appreciate humans like him. A few days before this very night, I had a short conversation with him to clear out some miscommunications, from there he reassured me that he’d always be willing to listen to a friend. I only remember feeling so low at the time, but always portraying a bubbly-like character towards everyone. The reassurance from Bryan made me feel comfort, the kind that reminds me of being supported by trusted hands whenever I’m about to fall (does that make sense?). Fast forward to the night when I was afraid to go to bed, I dropped him a little text and that good soul texted back within a couple of minutes. I was worried that he wouldn’t text back because it was pretty late already. Then, my mother walked into the room, she sat on my bed and started going on about her day and I was glad that she came in. I enjoy conversations with my mother. As she rambled on I started to tear up, my throat was warming up and I felt this pressure in my head pushing tears out of my eyes. She already knew about my share of problems, the emotional events from the past weeks, to the ones ahead of me. The fact that she already knew about them made it easier for me to share with her. The conversation went on and later she prayed with me (that’s always going to make things better because God is good). When she was done she hugged me goodnight and went to sleep. It was 1am and I left Bryan hanging in a conversation, I was ready for him to be mad at me but Bryan is way too understanding. I grabbed my phone from my study table and looked in our text. There were multiple messages from him. He probably knew it was going to be a long night of me pouring out my emotions to him, and this SWEET HUMAN BEING STAYED UP. He waited for me to reply, just to comfort a friend (I’m so grateful for good friends), after all true friendships are build upon subtle actions. That night I decided to be transparent with him. I shared about my personal struggles, it was a ranting spree! It’s nice of him to still be so engaged in a conversation late at night, especially with someone pretty new. While intensively texting Bryan, he said something that really reminded me of my well-being that is so much more important during these crucial times. I can’t seem to remember what he exactly said but it was along the lines of , “You are important, you come first“. It made me realize about how I’ve been thinking about every other single thing on this earth but myself. I had so many negative thoughts and I needed to pause, and start to appreciate the positive things in life. The night went on, and we had a 2 hour heart to heart talk, it was nice to take time to unleash this burden of fear and sadness. Bryan ends the conversation with “It was nice talking I’m glad you reached out“. I was relief to hear that the late night conversation did not leave him agitated considering the time (3am).
That night, I fell asleep without feeling afraid and the conversation with Bryan left me feeling blessed. It was a long night, but the night ended with an impact on me. I learned that life will always be a struggle and it’s not worth fearing what’s ahead of me all the time, I need to look into living a fruitful life. To appreciate the environment I live in, the people that I’ve developed true and sustaining relationships with, the sun that rises and sets for me every day at dawn and dusk. This is self-love, it is when I make the positives outweigh the negatives.
Walking with a soul
I love walks, my 5 senses become more alive once I walk outside and take in the sun’s life. A smile radiates when the glaring rays of the sun sits on my face. The flowers are moved by the wind’s direction and trees have never looked more beautiful. I take deep breaths of blessings from the air and exhale gratitude for mother nature. The birds chirp at the top of their lungs and glide like gondolas in the blue sky. Walks clear my distorted mind from reality and my mind runs into fantasy lands. My soul and I breathe together and rest together as we appreciate the purest things in life.
Bridging the gap
Yesterday night, the girls and I decided to reunite virtually. The last time we met was in the summer of 2019, the months went by so quick and it makes me sad to see them grow as individuals. Why do we have to grow out of our past? I mean, I know why we have to. I’m just sad that they’ll be leaving home and studying abroad, then going home during the summers will not guarantee that the 4 of us will reunite. We grew up together, shared our deepest secrets and supported one another when we were at our lowest. I met Nadia and Sherry through Deanna at a One Direction album launch, we instantly clicked. Deanna is the wildest girl I’ve ever met, she screams “RACHEEEL CHIIAAAMM” over the phone whenever we call. Sherry is incredibly saint, I respect the amount of self-control she has for herself. If you want to learn how to stay calm 24/7, Sherry is the one to talk to. She also thought me how to “hit the woah”. Nadia’s a social butterfly, but she’s really private too. The girl has way too many friends, and how is she still so private? That I will have to learn myself some day.
All of you are beautiful, I’ll always be here when you need me. When you’re busy living your best life, don’t forget that I’ll always cherish us.
I’ll see you all very soon
Love,
Rachel
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